Sunday, November 24, 2013

Why Is Private Eye Guy Eddie Valiant Dressed Like A Gorilla?

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:

WALTER WINDCHILL:


Walter Windchill
Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is gossip columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown.  Brrrrr-oadcasting live on location.
 
To recap the latest action for you.

I’m here outside the Toontown Hippodrome, site of Toontown's major hoopla, the annual Toonie Awards. The Toonies recognize the year's best performances in cartoons.

Just moments ago, Toon glamour puss Honey Graham came running out of the Hippo with a big mouse under her eye.  And I'm not talking Mickey. This was the big, red, swollen kind of mouse that comes hand delivered.

Immediately after Honey emerged, puffy eyed and crying, who should come running out of the Hippo but Private Eye Eddie Valiant.  This time, instead of gumshoes, Eddie is wearing gorilla feet.  And the rest of a gorilla costume, as well.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL WILDLY WAVING HIS ARMS

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Hey Eddie.  Eddie Valiant.  Over hear.

SOUND OF SIMPLE STUBBY SIMIAN SWIFTLY SWAYING SIDEWAYS


Eddie Valiant At The Toonie Awards
 
EDDIE VALIANT:

Oooga Booga.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You might want to remove your head.

FUNNY TINNY TOONY SOUND OF GORILLA HEAD POPPING OFF  GORILLA BODY

EDDIE VALIANT:

Yeah, you're right, Walter. That does make talking easier.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I must ask, Eddie.  What gives with the gorilla get up?

EDDIE VALIANT:

As you know, I'm here in Toontown body guarding Gary Cooper.  Cooper's attending the Toonie awards tonight.  So I had to go, too.  It's a formal affair.  Roger Rabbit told me I would have to wear a monkey suit.  I assumed by that he meant a tuxedo.  You think eventually I would learn.  When a Toon says monkey suit, a Toon means a monkey suit.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Why did you come running out of there all hot and bothered?  Some juicy piece of gossip I ought to know about?

EDDIE VALIANT:

I'm looking for Honey Graham.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

She came running out just before you did.  She appeared a bit the worse for wear.

EDDIE VALIANT:

That's an understatement.  Her swine of a boyfriend, Willy Prosciutto, used her head for a punching bag.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

That's awful.

EDDIE VALIANT:

You can say that again.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

That's awful.

EDDIE VALIANT:

Are you sure you don't have some Toon blood in you someplace?  Anyway, I know these  wack-a-doodle Toons play fast and loose with the fisticuffs.  Always smacking and poking and bopping one another.  I'll tell you one thing.  Ain't nobody hits a woman when Eddie Valiant's around.  I don't care if Willy Prosciutto is the crime boss of Toontown. That pig is a sty in the eye of Toontown.  I'm gonna see that he wallows in a whole world of swill for what he did to that girl.

SOUND OF EDDIE VALIANT MONKEY-FOOTING AWAY

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Folks, this story is taking a darker turn by the moment.  Stay Tooned.  I have a hunch you'll want to see what our next installment brings.







 

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