Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is gossip columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown. Brrrrr-oadcasting live on location.
I’m here outside the Toontown Hippodrome, site of Toontown's major hoopla, the annual Toonie Awards. The Toonies recognize the year's best performances in cartoons.
The Hippo is shaped like a, well, you can guess-what-kind-of-animal. The entryway occupies that part of the building corresponding to the hippo's horn.
Let me describe the scene for you.
A phalanx of photographers and reporters line either side of the red carpet. Stanchions and a velvet rope keep us fifth estaters separated from the first classies.
We’re patiently waiting for the stars to come out after the festivities end.
I’ll try to get you an interview with Roger Rabbit if I can. Roger is up tonight for Best Supporter for his role in Jockstrap Whippersnap, a cartoon in which he and Baby Herman wreak their usual brand of infantile and hare-brained havoc during a Toontown Terrors football game.
The ceremony won’t be over for quite awhile, so I'll hang around out here in the cold until…..just a moment. Somebody’s coming out!
SOUND OF HIGH HEELS ON MARBLE STEPS. SOUND OF SOFT SOBBING.
It’s none other than glamour gal Honey Graham.
In Toontown's female galaxy, Jessica Rabbit's star shines biggest and brightest. If Jessica is Cassiopeia, Honey Graham is The Big Dipper. Heavenly, but not sparkling quite as brightly. Honey is slimmer than Jessica and not as curvy. A dead straight drag strip rather than a twisty high mountain road. Her hair matches her name, honey, a sweetly luscious shade of light tan that drips to her shoulders. Nuzzling that hair would probably satisfy any man’s sugar cravings for a month.
|Honey Graham |
At The Toonie Awards.
Tonight Honey is wearing a long green gown that appears to have been crafted by a spray painter. Not that I’m complaining. In female fashion, I always opt for floozy over flouncy.
Honey seems to be crying. Let’s see if we can find out why.
SOUND OF WINDCHILL OBNOXIOUSLY PUSHING HIS WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE THRONG.
Honey, Honey, Walter Windchill here. You're crying. Is something wrong?
It's my boyfriend. Willy Prosciutto.
SOUND OF WINDCHILL FILLING IN DETAILS.
For those of you who don’t know, Willy Prosciutto's one mean porker. He has his greasy hooves in every Toontown pie. He's earned plenty of bacon. Get Prosciutto heated up, and you'll wind up scrambled with egg on your face. Prosciutto's one ham who'll never be cured.
Willy P got his start doing walk-ons in barnyard movies. One time a reviewer wrote that Willy was such a ham actor he ought to wear a clove in his buttonhole. That reviewer disappeared and was never seen again.
Miss Graham, it looks like....can it be? I think you have a black eye is black. Did Willy P do that to you!
SOUND OF HONEY GRAHAM APPLYING INK AND PAINT TO HER MOUSE.
He gave me what he calls a love tap.
That's very tough love. What got the pig's dander up?
I was having the most delightful conversation with Gary Cooper. We were talking about all sorts of things. He's such a polite and thoughtful man. Well, Willy took offense. Willy is a little bit jealous. He doesn't like me talking to other men. Especially not handsome men like Gary Cooper. Being a pig himself, Willy's funny that way. We had words, and I walked off. Willy doesn't like it when I walk away from him. So he hit me. To keep me in my place, as he says.
He's a bit of a swine that one. Why do you stay with him?
That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.
SOUND OF LIMO PULLING UP
Hey, toots, need a ride?
SOUND OF HONEY GRAHAM ENTERING LIMO. SOUND OF LIMO PULLING AWAY.
What a soap opera we have here. I suspect we haven't heard the last of the Honey Graham and Willy Prosciutto saga.
HEAVY SOUND OF HAIRY FEET CLUMPING. SLIGHT SMELL OF BANANS.
Wait. There's somebody else coming out. It's.....a gorilla. No. It's Eddie Valiant wearing a gorilla costume.
Stay tooned, folks. I suspect my next interview is going to be a hum doozie.
Hey Eddie. Eddie. Over here!