(CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF
TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN. FADE OUT TO:)
WALTER WINDCHILL:
Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South,
East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter
Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown, broadcasting live on location direct
from the goofiest place on Earth. Yes,
good listeners, I’m in…..
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Walter Windchill |
BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF SPROINGING, BELCHING, CUCKOOING,
BOING-BOINGING, BOP-BOPPING, AND COCKADOODLE-DOING.
WALTER WINDCHILL:
…..Toontown! With my special guest tonight, none other than
Toontown’s preeminent cottontail, Roger Rabbit.
Welcome, Roger, to Toontown
Through A Keyhole.
ROGER RABBIT:
P-p-p-pleased to be here, Mister Windchill.
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Roger Rabbit (left) with his publicist Gary K. Wolf. |
WALTER WINDCHILL:
Let’s get right down to brass tacks, Roger.
ROGER RABBIT:
Ohhh, I’m not so sure I want to do that. They levied a brass tax once in
Toontown. Didn’t go down so well with
the top brass and the brass monkeys. My
friend Eddie Valiant had to pay way extra for his brass shell casings and his
brass knuckles. Jessica got taxed big
for her brassiere.
WALTER WINDCHILL:
You are quite the comedian.
ROGER RABBIT:
I don’t
try to be funny. I just come out that way.
WALTER WINDCHILL:
I just had Eddie Valiant on my show last week. Eddie says he’s been hired by Barney
Sands. A big movie producer and director.
ROGER RABBIT:
Darn tootin’. Mister
Sands, he’s making a movie in Toontown.
He’s calling it Hi, Toon! I’m starring in it along with Gary Cooper. Mister Sands says it’s gonna be a smash.
WALTER WINDCHILL
Eddie tells me that there’s trouble brewing over the
film. That somebody in Toontown doesn’t
want that movie made. They’ve threatened
to kill Gary Cooper if filming progresses.
ROGER RABBIT
Wow! That sounds like
it could be a movie all its own self.
WALTER WINDCHILL
You don’t know about any of that?
ROGER RABBIT
Lots of people don’t tell me anything, and Eddie tells me
even less.
WALTER WINDCHILL
You’re not afraid that harm might come to you if you go
ahead with the project?
ROGER RABBIT
Me? Who’d want to
hurt a harmless, hapless hare?
WALTER WINDCHILL
Plenty come rabbit hunting season.
ROGER RABBIT
Har de har. You’re
quite the cutup, Mister Windchill. I’m not afraid of nothing. Except snakes. And spiders. And any creepy crawly thing that
starts with the letter A. Or B. Or C.
Or….
WALTER WINDCHILL
I get the picture.
ROGER RABBIT
I’m scared of pictures, too.
Especially pictures of snakes. Or
spiders. Or any creepy crawly thing that….
WALTER WINDCHILL:
I’ve heard you’re giving your director and your co-star a
special tour of Toontown.
ROGER RABBIT:
You bet I am. I wrote a
book called Roger Rabbit's Gossipy Guide To Toontown. The Sensational, Salacious,
Sleazy Secrets of Screendom's Superest Stars!!!
![]() |
Roger Rabbit Self Portrait from his Gossipy Guide To Toontown book. |
My book is first and
foremost a tour guide of Toontown, my most favorite place in the whole
worldwide world and universal universe. I spice up the descriptions by
including a gossipy goodie about each locale. For instance: this is the
Toontown Funny Bone. It stretches across Happy Trail.
WALTER WINDCHILL:
Let me describe this photograph for our radio listeners at
home. The Toontown Funny Bone is a large
golden arch, reminiscent of the ones sprouting up around L.A. outside a new chain of burger joints
called McToons.
ROGER RABBIT:
This is Toontown's most prominent landmark, a large golden funny
bone. We call it The Bone. Around the turn of the century, a depressed
one-handed Toon pirate named Hannibal Hook tried to commit suicide by jumping
off The Bone. Fortunately for him, he landed—kerplop!—on his big round ball of a Toon noggin. He bounced right
back up to the top and over to the other side. This knocked some sense into
him, and he went straight back to his pirate ship and invented the game of
volleyball. Hannibal
became the Toontown volleyball champion, no mean feat considering he punctured
the ball every time he hit the inflated orb with his hook.
WALTER WINDCHILL:
Fascinating.
ROGER RABBIT:
There’s lots more where that came from, Walter.
WALTER WINDCHILL:
I can hardly wait to read it. Good luck to you, Roger, with your book and
your movie.
ROGER RABBIT:
I’d be happy to give you my special tour of Toontown.
WALTER WINDCHILL:
Don’t hold your breath.
ROGER RABBIT:
Why would I do that?
I’d turn blue?
WALTER WINDCHILL
This is Walter Windchill, your man in Toontown, wishing you
good night and good news.
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