Walter Windchill Interviews Roger Rabbit

(CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)

WALTER WINDCHILL:



Walter Windchill

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown, broadcasting live on location direct from the goofiest place on Earth.  Yes, good listeners, I’m in…..

BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF SPROINGING, BELCHING, CUCKOOING, BOING-BOINGING, BOP-BOPPING, AND COCKADOODLE-DOING.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

…..Toontown! With my special guest tonight, none other than Toontown’s preeminent cottontail, Roger Rabbit.  Welcome, Roger, to Toontown Through A Keyhole.

ROGER RABBIT:

P-p-p-pleased to be here, Mister Windchill.

Roger Rabbit (left) with his publicist Gary K. Wolf.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Let’s get right down to brass tacks, Roger.

ROGER RABBIT:

Ohhh, I’m not so sure I want to do that.  They levied a brass tax once in Toontown.  Didn’t go down so well with the top brass and the brass monkeys.  My friend Eddie Valiant had to pay way extra for his brass shell casings and his brass knuckles.  Jessica got taxed big for her brassiere.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You are quite the comedian.

ROGER RABBIT:

I don’t try to be funny.  I just come out that way.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I just had Eddie Valiant on my show last week.  Eddie says he’s been hired by Barney Sands.  A big movie producer and director.

ROGER RABBIT:

Darn tootin’.  Mister Sands, he’s making a movie in Toontown.  He’s calling it Hi, Toon!  I’m starring in it along with Gary Cooper.  Mister Sands says it’s gonna be a smash.

WALTER WINDCHILL

Eddie tells me that there’s trouble brewing over the film.  That somebody in Toontown doesn’t want that movie made.  They’ve threatened to kill Gary Cooper if filming progresses.

ROGER RABBIT

Wow!  That sounds like it could be a movie all its own self.

WALTER WINDCHILL

You don’t know about any of that?

ROGER RABBIT

Lots of people don’t tell me anything, and Eddie tells me even less.

WALTER WINDCHILL

You’re not afraid that harm might come to you if you go ahead with the project?

ROGER RABBIT

Me?  Who’d want to hurt a harmless, hapless hare?

WALTER WINDCHILL

Plenty come rabbit hunting season.

ROGER RABBIT

Har de har.  You’re quite the cutup, Mister Windchill. I’m not afraid of nothing.  Except snakes.  And spiders. And any creepy crawly thing that starts with the letter A.  Or B.  Or C.  Or….

WALTER WINDCHILL

I get the picture.

ROGER RABBIT

I’m scared of pictures, too.  Especially pictures of snakes.  Or spiders.  Or any creepy crawly thing that….

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I’ve heard you’re giving your director and your co-star a special tour of Toontown.

ROGER RABBIT:

You bet I am.  I wrote a book called  Roger Rabbit's Gossipy Guide To Toontown. The Sensational, Salacious, Sleazy Secrets of Screendom's Superest Stars!!!  

Roger Rabbit Self Portrait from his Gossipy Guide To Toontown book.

 My book is first and foremost a tour guide of Toontown, my most favorite place in the whole worldwide world and universal universe. I spice up the descriptions by including a gossipy goodie about each locale. For instance: this is the Toontown Funny Bone. It stretches across Happy Trail.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Let me describe this photograph for our radio listeners at home.  The Toontown Funny Bone is a large golden arch, reminiscent of the ones sprouting up around L.A. outside a new chain of burger joints called McToons.

ROGER RABBIT:

This is Toontown's most prominent landmark, a large golden funny bone. We call it The Bone. Around the turn of the century, a depressed one-handed Toon pirate named Hannibal Hook tried to commit suicide by jumping off The Bone. Fortunately for him, he landed—kerplop!—on his big round ball of a Toon noggin. He bounced right back up to the top and over to the other side. This knocked some sense into him, and he went straight back to his pirate ship and invented the game of volleyball. Hannibal became the Toontown volleyball champion, no mean feat considering he punctured the ball every time he hit the inflated orb with his hook.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Fascinating.

ROGER RABBIT:

There’s lots more where that came from, Walter.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I can hardly wait to read it.  Good luck to you, Roger, with your book and your movie.

ROGER RABBIT:

I’d be happy to give you my special tour of Toontown.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Don’t hold your breath.

ROGER RABBIT:

Why would I do that?  I’d turn blue?

WALTER WINDCHILL

This is Walter Windchill, your man in Toontown, wishing you good night and good news.