Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Walter Windchill Interviews Movie Producer Barney Sands

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIPS HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)



WALTER WINDCHILL: 
Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown. Brrrrr-roadcasting live on location from Radio Station WOOPS. 


I am pleased to have with me tonight movie producer Barney Sands.  If you dont know Barneys name, and I must admit until very recently I didnt either, you soon will.  Barney has a movie cooking which Im told is going to be this years biggest box office smasharoo.  Welcome, Barney to Toontown Through A Keyhole.


Movie Producer Barney Sands
 BARNEY SANDS:

 Good to be here, Walt.  Being on your show is the highlight of my career.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Until next year at the Academy Awards ceremony where Im given to understand there might be a naked golden man with your name engraved on him.

SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS BECOMING DEFENSIVE AND INCENSED.

BARNEY SANDS:

That naked man story was never proven.  I dont know where the Toontown Telltale gets its info.  I was going to sue that lousy rag for liable.  Except thats liable to come back around and bite me in the butt.  Not that Im admitting the butt biting story they ran about me is true either.  I dont hang around with naked golden men.  I dont bite butts.  The Telltales got it in for me big time. They print whatever lies will sell the most papers.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I was referring to an Oscar.  For the picture you’re about to film in Toontown.

SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS LIGHTING A CIGARETTE AND SUCKING IT DRY WITH ONE PUFF.

BARNEY SANDS:

Oh, yeah.  That.  Well, from your mouth to Gods sealed envelope.

WALTER WINDCHILL:


Movie Producer Barney Sands
Can you give us a preview of your coming attraction..

BARNEY SANDS RAPIDLY LIGHTING AND SMOKING DOWN CIGARETTE AFTER CIGARETTE AFTER CIGARETTE.

BARNEY SANDS:

Called Hi, Toon!  Gonna be something new, something I invented.  A buddy comedy. Two mismatched guys helping each other to solve a crime. One guy throws tight, hard, fast, and straight down the middle.  That would be none other than Gary Cooper.  The other pitches the screwball.  For that one I wanted Crusader Rabbit, Hoppy the Marvel Bunny, The March Hare, the White Rabbit, Peter Cottontail, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, Thumper, Peter Rabbit, Bugs Bunny, Br'er Rabbit, the Playboy Rabbit, or the Easter Bunny, but they all had previous commitments.  So I finally settled for Roger Rabbit.

WALTER WINDCHILL

Im not surprised you got Roger Rabbit.  Nobody else in town wants him.  Gary Cooper is kind of a surprise.  How did you land a big star like that?

BARNEY SANDS

Me and Coop, we go back a long way. He used to do bit parts in the one-reeler comedies and travel shorts I made when I was first starting out. That was when his name was Frank, and nobody knew him from my Uncle Abe. Frank Cooper. What a nothing name, I told him one night while we were working our way through a bottle of bathtub gin. 'You want to change your name to something memorable.'

"Like what?" he said.

At the time, we were filming a puff piece for a chemical company, buffing up their image which had taken a hit when a bunch of birds downwind of their plant fell out of the sky dead. In Gary, Indiana, we were. Lousy name for a town. No character. Not like Chicago or Detroit. But, I thinks to myself, a great name for an actor. 'Name yourself after here,' I tell him, 'after where we are now.

"'The Come On Inn?' he says.

I says, naw, not where we're staying. Where we're filming.

"Indiana?” Coop says. “You want me to call myself Indiana Cooper?”

Naw, that would be stupid, I tells him. Call yourself Gary.

"That's not a name,” he tells me.

Exactly, says I. It's not a name. You will be the one and only. Unique in all the world. Instead of Frank, of which there are many, you'll be Gary, of which there is only you. He thinks about it for a while, and he does what I suggest. You know how that deal worked out.

Coop told me if I ever needed a favor, to just call. So I called, and here he is. Starring in my movie.

WALTER WINDCHILL

I understand that there’s trouble afoot.  That somebody in Toontown doesn’t want this movie made.  Some nefarious entity has threatened to kill Gary Cooper if you go ahead with the project.

SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS SCRATCHING THE WORLDS WORST TOUPEE

Barney Sands' Toupee
BARNEY SANDS

Naw, nothing like thats going on.  Where you getting your info?  From the Toontown Telltale?  Sounds like the kind of piff puff poodle pee they print for news.

WALTER WINDCHILL

I got it from private eyeball Eddie Valiant.  He told me you hired him to body guard Cooper.  He showed me the threatening balloon warning you off.  Here.  See for yourself.



SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS READING WORD BALLOON.

BARNEY SANDS

Naw.  Somebodys bad idea of a joke.  You know how Toons like to fool around.  Thats all this is.  Nothing but Toon hogwash.

WALTER WINDCHILL

So you’re going ahead with your project.  You’re not afraid?

BARNEY SANDS

Not one bit.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Well, Barney, youre either a very brave man, or a very foolish one. Barney, I know Ill be following this story with baited breath.  Good luck with your project.

BARNEY SANDS:


Thanks, Walt. Who knows.  Play your cards right, there might be a little part in it for you.

 
Walter Windchill's ashtray after his conversation with Barney Sands.

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