Walter Windchill Interviews Jessica Rabbit!!!!

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)

WALTER WINDCHILL:



Walter Windchill

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown.  Brrrrr-oadcasting live on location from Delbert Monte's Top Banana, Toontown's swankiest nightspot.

BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF SINUOUS MUSIC AS A BUNCH OF SHAPELY, DANCING BANANAS PEEL OFF.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

My lovely, talented, charming guest tonight, Toontown’s sinewy, sultry siren, Jessica Rabbit.  Welcome, Jessica, to Toontown Through A Keyhole.

 SOUND OF JESSICA WEARING A SKIMPY OUTFIT APPLIED BY SPRAYGUN.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S MICROPHONE STANDING SLIGHTLY TALLER.

Jessica Rabbit and her best Boswell, Gary K. Wolf
 

 

JESSICA RABBIT:

Thank you for inviting me, Walter.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You can call me Walter.  Oh, wait.  You just did.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL GIGGLING NERVOUSLY

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You have a distinctly discombobulating effect on manly men of the mainly mannish persuasion.

JESSICA RABBIT:

Gentlemen do react oddly in the presence of my discombobulators.

SOUND OF JESSICA BENDING OVER TO STRAIGHTEN HER STOCKINGS.  SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S INNERSEAM STRAINING TO CONTAIN HIS JOURNALISTIC SCRUPLES.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I just interviewed your hubby, Roger Rabbit.  He told me he’s shooting a new movie in Toontown called Hi, Toon! Is there a part in it for you?

SOUND OF WINDCHILL SILENTLY VOICING “I HOPE, I HOPE, I HOPE, I HOPE.”

JESSICA RABBIT:

Sadly, no.  My honey bunny’s movie is a new concept.  Something the producer, Barney Sands, calls a buddy comedy.  A screwball paired up with one big hunk of handsome to solve a crime.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

And Roger is which?

SOUND OF JESSICA GIVING WINDCHILL A WITHERING “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” LOOK.

JESSICA RABBIT:

Well, Roger’s the screwball, of course.  The handsome’s a human.  Gary Cooper.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Ahhh.  There have been rumors about your past romantic involvement with Gary Cooper.  Will that cause a problem?

JESSICA RABBIT:

There have been rumors about my romantic involvement with every actor in Hollywood.  All of them, I assure you, are completely without merit.  I’m a one rabbit woman, and that rabbit’s named Roger.

WALTER WINDCHILL

A very lucky rabbit, indeed.

JESSICA RABBIT

He should be.  He has four rabbit’s feet.  Big ones, I might add.  You know what they say about that?  Big feet, big shoes.  I love big shoes.

SOUND OF WALTER SADLY EXAMINING HIS OWN SIZE 7AA LOAFERS.

WALTER WINDCHILL

Private gumshoe Eddie Valiant tells me that he’s been hired on as Coop’s bodyguard.  Apparently there’s a hoodlum who doesn’t want this movie made.  He’s threatened to do bad things, very, very bad things, to Cooper if the production continues.

JESSICA RABBIT

If that is the case, you can bet that I’ll be there to do whatever I can to keep my hunny bunny safe and sound.  It’s a wife’s responsibility to stand by her rabbit .

WALTER WINDCHILL

Perhaps you’d be interested in continuing our interview someplace more private.  My apartment, perhaps?

JESSICA RABBIT

I’m sorry, Walter.  Normally I would say yes, but I have to slip out of my costume for the midnight show.

WALTER WINDCHILL

Don’t you mean slip into your costume?

JESSICA RABBIT

Not for the midnight show.  It’s entitled Why Don’t You Do Wrong?.  I perform au natural.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S JAW DROPPING.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Too late for a front row seat?

JESSICA RABBIT:

I’m afraid so.  The midnight show sells out weeks in advance.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL SOBBING SOFTLY.

Good luck, Jessica with all your endeavors.

JESSICA RABBIT:

Thank you, Walter. It’s been fun.

SOUND OF JESSICA BLOWING WALTER A KISS.  SOUND OF KISS LANDING, PERPLOP, ON WALTER’S LIPS.  SOUND OF WALTER FAINTING DEAD AWAY.

Me and my best friend Tink.  She's sweet but kind of flighty.