Saturday, October 26, 2013

Walter Windchill Interviews Gary Cooper


(CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIPS HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)
 
WALTER WINDCHILL:
 
Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown. Brrrrr-roadcasting live on location from Radio Station WOOPS.

Walter Windchill

 
I am pleased to have with me tonight a very, very, very special guest.  Hollywoods current box office champ, the handsome and debonair film star, none other than Gary Cooper.  Welcome, Gary to Toontown Through A Keyhole.
 
GARY COOPER:
 
Thanks.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL:
 
I proved in my no-holds-barred interview with Bambi, Im not one to fawn.   But Gary, I have to admit that I am one of your biggest fans.  You flew high in Dawn Patrol.  You really went to town in Mr. Deeds.  You marched to victory in Sergeant York.  In Pride of the Yankees, you knocked Lou Gehrig out of the park.  Can you tell us what youre doing in Toontown.
 

GARY COOPER:
 
Yup.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL:
 
Okay.  Would you tell us what you’re going in Toontown?
 
GARY COOPER:

Movie making.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL:
 
Yes, that confirms what Ive been hearing.  Im told your film is going to be a new concept.  Something the producer, Barney Sands, is calling a buddy picture.  A strong, silent, serious type.  That would be you.  Paired up with a screwball. Together you solve a crime and bring a dastardly criminal to justice.
 
GARY COOPER:

True.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL
 
Can you reveal the name of your co-star?
 
GARY COOPER
 
Roger Rabbit.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL
 
That is exciting news.  Hollywood’s biggest star teaming up with Toontown’s biggest goofball.  I’m suspecting the fur will fly.  What’s the title of this new film?
 
GARY COOPER
 
Hi, Toon!
 
WALTER WINDCHILL
 
Catchy.  Gary, there have been rumors that you and Roger Rabbits hot cha cha wife Jessica used to be, how shall I put it, a bit more than friends.  Any truth to that?
 
SOUND OF MENTAL GEARS SLOWLY CHURNING.

GARY COOPER
 
Maybe.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL:
 
Will that affect your working relationship with your co-star?
 
GARY COOPER
 
Dunno.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL
 
You don’t say a whole lot, do you?
 
GARY COOPER
 
Enough.
 

WALTER WINDCHILL:
 
My confidential sources tell me that theres somebody in Toontown who doesnt want this movie made.
 
GARY COOPER:
 
Could be.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL.
 
Ive also heard that this nefarious personage has threatened to shoot you dead if you continue with this project.
 
GARY COOPER:
 
Right.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL.
 
And youre still going ahead anyway?
 
GARY COOPER:
 
Got to.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL.
 
For goodness sakes, man.  Why?  When you could be killed?
 
GARY COOPER:
 
Promised.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL.
 
Thats ridiculous.  Youre willing to risk death to keep your promise.
 
GARY COOPER:
 
Absolutely.
 

SOUND OF GUNSHOT RINGING OUT.
 
SOUND OF WINDCHILL DIVING FOR COVER UNDERNEATH HIS DESK.
 
SOUND OF GARY COOPER NOT MOVING A MUSCLE.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL (VOICE MUFFLED.)
 
Get down, man.  Get down!  Somebody's shooting at you.
 
GARY COOPER:
 
Backfire.  Outside.
 
WALTER WINDCHILL (VOICE STILL MUFFLED.)
 
Oh, yeah.  I knew that.  I dropped my pencil.  I was only under here looking for my pencil.
 
SOUND OF WINDCHILL RESUMING HIS SEAT
 
WALTER WINDCHILL:
 
Thank you, Gary, for coming on the show today.  
 
GARY COOPER:
 
My pleasure.
 
SOUND OF WINDCHILL SPEAKING WHILE HE THINKS THE MICROPHONE IS OFF.
 
WINDCHILL:
 
Oh, God.  I did a Baby Herman.  I peed my pants!  Somebody get me a dry pair of pants!  Move it, people.  Chop chop. I’m all wet here.

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