Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Walter Windchill Interviews Eddie Valiant


(CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)

WALTER WINDCHILL:


Walter Windchill
Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown, broadcasting live on location from a dank, dark and squalid little office.  The flaking gold letters on the spider-cracked glass pane in the office door tell the story.  They spell out Eddie Valiant, Private Detective.  I’m here with Mister Valiant…..

EDDIE VALIANT:

Call me Eddie.  Mister Valiant is my father.


Eddie Valiant
Private Detective
 
SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S EYEBROW ARCHING SUPERCILIOUSLY

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 Don’t lie to an investigative reporter, Mister Valiant.  I know from reading the in-depth background statement prepared by my scrupulous and painstakingly accurate stringer Rich Custard that Mister Valiant is not only your father but two of your brothers.  Do you deny that?

EDDIE VALIANT:

Of course not.  Mister Valiant is also a couple of my uncles. And my Aunt Butch after she got back from her operation in Sweden.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I see.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL SILENTLY CURSING CUSTARD.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

In any event, welcome, Eddie, to Toontown Through A Keyhole.

EDDIE VALIANT:

Good to be here, Walter.  Good to be anywhere in a rough and tumble business like mine.  When the difference between life and death is a quarter ounce of pressure on the hair trigger of an Army Colt .45.

(SOUND OF VALIANT SCOOTCHING AROUND IN HIS CHAIR TO OPEN HIS COAT AND FLASH HIS GAT.)

WALTER WINDCHILL:

A concise and sobering synopsis of your work.  I understand you have a new case.  A real hum doozy, so my little blue birdies of happenstance tell me. What’s the scoop?

(GURGLING SOUND OF VALIANT POURING HIMSELF AN EYE OPENER. THEN POURING HIMSELF ANOTHER EYE OPENER TO OPEN HIS OTHER EYE.)

EDDIE VALIANT:

I been hired by Barney Sands.  The big movie producer and director. I’m sure you heard of him.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Can’t say I have.

EDDIE VALIANT:

Well you will.  He’s shooting a new extravaganza.  He tells me his flicker’s gonna be huge.  The story’s set in Toontown.  The title’s Hi, Toon!

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Catchy.  I like it. Who’s starring in Sands’s opus?

EDDIE VALIANT:

None other than Gary Cooper.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Most impressive.  Coop’s a one man box office bonanza.

EDDIE VALIANT:

Cooper’s going for a whole new approach in this movie.  Sands wants him to use an acting style called The Method.  Where you channel your actual experiences to get your performance.  That’s why Cooper is going into Toontown.  To experience what film guys call the authentic milieu. To see what being a Toon is really like.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

What’s your role in this production?

EDDIE VALIANT:
 
Hired muscle.  Somebody don’t want this movie made.  Sands got a couple of threatening word balloons. Lemme show you one.

SOUND OF VALIANT PULLING OUT AND UNROLLING WORD BALLOON

SOUND OF WINDCHILL READING.

 
WALTER WINDCHILL:

That is terrifying!

EDDIE VALIANT:

Not half so much as the part I ain’t told you.  Cooper’s co-starring with Roger Rabbit.  I gotta spend who knows how long hanging around Toontown with that goofy gus.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Doesn’t get much worse than that.

EDDIE VALIANT:

I’m gonna earn my simoleans working this case.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Indeed you are, Eddie.  Indeed you are.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL COZYING UP TO MICROPHONE

This is Walter Windchill, your man in Toontown, wishing you good night and good news.

SOFT SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S EYES SQUINTING AS HE LOOKS CLOSELY AT EDDIE VALIANT

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You know, Eddie, you’re quite a handsome man.

EDDIE VALIANT:

I was thinking the exact same thing about you.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Want to pop round to that little bar across the street for a toddy?

EDDIE VALIANT:

If you’re buying, I’m drinking.

SOUND OF VALIANT’S OFFICE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

SOUND OF MANLY CAMARADERIE AS WALTER AND EDDIE WALK AWAY.

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