Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown. Brrrrr-roadcasting live on location from Radio Station WOOPS.
I am pleased to have with me tonight movie producer Barney Sands. If you don’t know Barney’s name, and I must admit until very recently I didn’t either, you soon will. Barney has a movie cooking which I’m told is going to be this year’s biggest box office smasharoo. Welcome, Barney to Toontown Through A Keyhole.
Good to be here, Walt. Being on your show is the highlight of my career.
Until next year at the Academy Awards ceremony where I’m given to understand there might be a naked golden man with your name engraved on him.
SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS BECOMING DEFENSIVE AND INCENSED.
That naked man story was never proven. I don’t know where the Toontown Telltale gets its info. I was going to sue that lousy rag for liable. Except that’s liable to come back around and bite me in the butt. Not that I’m admitting the butt biting story they ran about me is true either. I don’t hang around with naked golden men. I don’t bite butts. The Telltale’s got it in for me big time. They print whatever lies will sell the most papers.
I was referring to an Oscar. For the picture you’re about to film in Toontown.
SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS LIGHTING A CIGARETTE AND SUCKING IT DRY WITH ONE PUFF.
Oh, yeah. That. Well, from your mouth to God’s sealed envelope.
BARNEY SANDS RAPIDLY LIGHTING AND SMOKING DOWN CIGARETTE AFTER CIGARETTE AFTER CIGARETTE.
Called Hi, Toon! Gonna be something new, something I invented. A buddy comedy. Two mismatched guys helping each other to solve a crime. One guy throws tight, hard, fast, and straight down the middle. That would be none other than Gary Cooper. The other pitches the screwball. For that one I wanted Crusader Rabbit, Hoppy the Marvel Bunny, The March Hare, the White Rabbit, Peter Cottontail, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, Thumper, Peter Rabbit, Bugs Bunny, Br'er Rabbit, the Playboy Rabbit, or the Easter Bunny, but they all had previous commitments. So I finally settled for Roger Rabbit.
I’m not surprised you got Roger Rabbit. Nobody else in town wants him. Gary Cooper is kind of a surprise. How did you land a big star like that?
Me and Coop, we go back a long way. He used to do bit parts in the one-reeler comedies and travel shorts I made when I was first starting out. That was when his name was Frank, and nobody knew him from my Uncle Abe. Frank Cooper. What a nothing name, I told him one night while we were working our way through a bottle of bathtub gin. 'You want to change your name to something memorable.'
"Like what?" he said.
At the time, we were filming a puff piece for a chemical company, buffing up their image which had taken a hit when a bunch of birds downwind of their plant fell out of the sky dead. In
we were. Lousy name for a town. No character. Not like Gary, Indiana Chicago
But, I thinks to myself, a great name for an actor. 'Name yourself after here,'
I tell him, 'after where we are now. Detroit
"'The Come On Inn?' he says.
I says, naw, not where we're staying. Where we're filming.
Coop says. “You want me to call myself Indiana Cooper?” Indiana
Naw, that would be stupid, I tells him. Call yourself Gary.
"That's not a name,” he tells me.
I. It's not a
name. You will be the one and only. Unique in all the world. Instead of Frank,
of which there are many, you'll be ,
of which there is only you. He thinks about it for a while, and he does what I
suggest. You know how that deal worked out. Gary
Coop told me if I ever needed a favor, to just call. So I called, and here he is. Starring in my movie.
I understand that there’s trouble afoot. That somebody in Toontown doesn’t want this movie made. Some nefarious entity has threatened to kill Gary Cooper if you go ahead with the project.
SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS SCRATCHING THE WORLD’S WORST TOUPEE
Naw, nothing like that’s going on. Where you getting your info? From the Toontown Telltale? Sounds like the kind of piff puff poodle pee they print for news.
I got it from private eyeball Eddie Valiant. He told me you hired him to body guard Cooper. He showed me the threatening balloon warning you off. Here. See for yourself.
Naw. Somebody’s bad idea of a joke. You know how Toons like to fool around. That’s all this is. Nothing but Toon hogwash.
So you’re going ahead with your project. You’re not afraid?
Not one bit.
Well, Barney, you’re either a very brave man, or a very foolish one. Barney, I know I’ll be following this story with baited breath. Good luck with your project.
Thanks, Walt. Who knows. Play your cards right, there might be a little part in it for you.
|Walter Windchill's ashtray after his conversation with Barney Sands.|